A few years ago my best friend Dave, who I met when we were both racing motorbikes, lost his wife Sue after a long and difficult battle with cancer. I found myself in a situation that many people dread. I desperately wanted to give him a call to offer my condolences but I simply didn’t know what I was going to say. Above all I was scared of making an already tough situation worse.
Reading discussion online, and talking to those I knew who has lost someone close, I learned an important lesson: The worst thing you can do is not call. Not calling leaves people feeling isolated and let down. Determined not to let Dave feel this way, I decided to reach out.
The First Contact
Initially I sent Dave a text message expressing my sympathy and letting him know I would call in a few days. My thinking he was that would have a lot to deal with early on and I didn’t have any concrete help to offer.
The First Call
Before making the call, I thought carefully about what to say, knowing that no words could improve such a dreadful situation. In the end, I settled on, “I’m really sorry about Sue, it’s pretty shit. I don’t know quite what else to say.” Because Dave and I had been close friends for many years, I felt comfortable using these terms.
The conversation was tough. Neither of us thought of much to say, and we didn’t speak for for long. Dave later told me he appreciated the call, short though it was, and that I hadn’t tried to downplay what had happened or its effect on him.
I promised to call him again in a few days, which he welcomed. I ended up waiting a week, figuring he still had a lot of practical stuff to deal with and would appreciate some breathing space.
The Second Call
The second call was better and we mainly discussed the practicalities of Sue’s funeral and how he was feeling. This set a pattern for our conversations. Dave was open about how bad he felt, and I offered a sympathetic shoulder. We also talked about his happy memories of Sue, which seemed to help.
Staying in touch
During one of our calls, Dave mentioned that the early rush of messages and visitors had noticeably tailed off, which he expected, but some days really dragged. Hearing that, I decided that a good balance between giving Dave space but staying in touch was to give him a call every few weeks.
I’m sure many people intend to do this, but with busy lives and other demands, these things get forgotten. In my case, I put a recurring appointment in my calendar as a reminder.
I’m still calling Dave four years later. Dave tells me he really appreciates this, and that another good mate of his from his racing days and I are the only ones still in touch.
Dave’s view
Before writing this post, I contacted Dave to ask his permission, which he readily gave. He also offered me these thoughts on how his life changed after the bereavement.
After Sue’s death most of my friends just disappeared, but three friends stuck by me Bob, Colin and Mick. I came to the conclusion that the rest of my friends just did not know what to say so they ghosted me. All three of my friends lived many miles from me, so phone calls or emails were the only practical means of communication.
These calls from Bob, Colin and Mick were an absolute life line. We never talked about any specific subject, just what ever came in to our heads, and if that included Sue then so be it. Mick has rather dropped out of the loop as two years ago he lost his wife.
Now I am phoning him. Bob and Colin still phone me, for which I am eternally grateful. Even after over four years I am still mentally fragile, although grief doesn’t quite ambush me like it did earlier.
Reflections
Supporting a grieving friend is never easy, but I learned that simply being there and offering a listening ear can make a significant difference. It’s important not to avoid the person or downplay their loss. Sometimes, just acknowledging the pain and being present is the best support you can offer.
The friends who ghosted Dave are not bad or uncaring, they simply didn’t know how to deal with the situation. That’s normal. If you find yourself in this position, try these four point to help guide you through that first call.
- Ignoring someone will cause more pain than saying something that jars with them.
- No one knows what to say, so start with something simple.
- Don’t try to fix the problem. You can’t.
- If in doubt, call, and just listen.
Finally
I won’t ask you if enjoyed this post. It’s just not that kind of thing. But, if you found it helpful, than it’s job done.
Please feel free to leave any comments in the space below
Best regards
Bob.
